Joy and Pain
by demonlovechild
Summary: What do you do when the bot you love is someone you can never truly have? G1 AU. Another re-upload plz R&R :


**A/N: I've done it again…and I'm sorry! I know I suck, I know I'm being way too fussy over this stupid little fic but every time I post it I always have an epiphany on how it could be better or something really remedial like that and I always wind up taking it down and re-posting it. But NO MORE! And I PROMISE if I take this fic down again I will NOT re-post it. **

**BTW: Even though this will be a chapter fic, I don't want it to be that long so there's gonna be a few changes plus a limited amount of perspectives here. Mainly it'll just be Elita One, Optimus Prime, and Viscera (my OC and main villain) but there may be a few other characters getting their own chapters as well like Angelfire, my other OC, for example (which I'm still not revealing her identity until later on) **

**Oh, and *hint, hint* If you know what **_**Viscera**_** actually means you'll quickly find out she's a pretty accurate description of her name…which is why I chose it (Just thought I'd add that in :) **

**Units of time:**

**-Cycle=Minute**

**-Breem=Hour**

**-Day=Day**

**-Deca-cycle=week **

**-Vorn=month **

**-Orn=year. **

**Rating **_**will**_** go up for later chapters.**

**Warning(s): Implied femme/femme but nothing too graphic (at least not yet…)**

**Pairings: OP/EO only this time**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers or anything related.**

**Now on with the story...

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"Elita One…_Elita One_…Elita…One?" The designation falls clumsily from my lips as warm soapy water streams continuously down my protoformed frame.

Garbled and vexing like foreign language spoken to a rustic fool, the words feel unfamiliar as if I'm hearing them for the very first time. Hmm…but I suppose it is_**I**_who is the rustical fool when I can't even recognize my own name.

True, as any other appellation, I've had the name called to me countless times before by everyone I know. Master Yoketron, my wonderful and loving father, High Councilor's, my friend's, and even some enemies distinguish me by 'Elita One'. Admittedly after so many orns of hearing it, I've grown more than used to it now. Heed the testament's ring and, like a mocking drone in chorus, I've answered to it accordingly. Yet still, in the back of my processor…I don't feel the designation is my own. Why you may ask? Well simply put, I don't exactly know who I am. I don't know _who_ 'Elita One' really pertains to; neither does anyone else…especially my father.

It's baffling to say I know so I'll elaborate. Yoketron he's…he's not my biological father.

Long ago when I was a mere sparkling, the tender age of only 3 orns…or perhaps 4 (no one really knows) Yoketron found me on the field after the Autobot's battle of Leida. I was barely alive then, a tiny little femme lying comatose beneath the charred remains of what I can only assume were my parent's at the time (I'll never know for certain though).

Yoketron brought me back to base that day and claimed me as his own. 'Elita One' he called me. A name, he says, he granted me out of the sheer unadulterated love he felt for me the moment my optics opened to him. Of course at the time I didn't realize the name was nothing more then a pretty little lie as whatever true designation my parent's had bestowed me at birth was long since forgotten. It's lost somewhere in the farthest reaches of time and space…and them along with it.

*Sigh…* but I feel at fault for saying such things. Yoketron has loved me and cared for me ever since that day. Not once has he neglected me or turned a blind optic when I've needed him the most. He's always been there to protect me like any good father should. He raised me to be strong and trained me to be a great cyber-ninja like himself. I could never thank him enough for the things he's done. I love my father with all my spark, truly I do.

But still, somehow inside…I feel a void. Slowly my arms coil tight ribbons around my body as my optics threaten to tear.

_Elita One,_ as beautiful as a porcelain mask but illusive all the same. Like a veil covering a deeper much darker secret, my name rings deception in my audios when spoken. Hearing the words fill my spark not with the instant dignifying and identifying quality it should have over a single bot, but the confusion and perfidy of a lonesome child.

My name…not truly a name, but a gray alien plume drifting precariously forever above my head. I could change it, but what good would it do? A lie on top of another lie in a never ending cycle? My optics fall to the froth flowing steadily down the shower's drain…I can never rid myself of this.

I'm left with it, this thing, this…_anomaly_ forever, until my spark completely languishes from this world or I'm killed by a Decepticon. Honestly I don't care which, death doesn't scare me. Not much in this world ever has.

"Elita One…" It comes out dismally. *Sigh…* Do I hate it?

"…perhaps…." Do I see it as my person?

"Of course not."

Turning the water off, I exit the stall and grab a towel drying myself off. Wiping the mirror of fog, a pleasantly crooked smirk curls my lip at the protoformed view of my self in the mirror. I really do have some nice curves, but I only admire them briefly.

Replacing my armor a smile immediately dances onto my face as the crimson symbol upon my chest gleams with a gorgeous humbling fury. Tentatively I reach to touch the fine metal and ogle its reflection, the brilliant red shine in the mirror's surface boast complete clarity as to who I am, and to the millions of other's who bare the same symbol.

'_Elita One_' is not my identity; the insignia I bare is who I am.

'**Autobot'** is _my_ name, and I wear the title proudly as I have since I was bestowed it. As long as we fight to defend the weak and grant peace for the future, that is what it shall be until the end of my days when Primus calls my spark back home.

"Elita? Elita dearest where are you?" I hear my father call from the shower room alcove.

"I'm here Yoketron." I announced exiting the shower room wiping away water that still stained my brow. He turned around and a smile set upon his aged face when he saw me. Long limbs carried his ashen figure over to me and his smile broadened further.

"Ah good, you're ready. Shall we go then?" The question, though harmless in nature, turned just about everything inside me to utter slag.

"Father, do…do we _have_ to?" I asked carefully and his smile immediately faltered.

"I'm afraid so dearest," he said folding his arms, "as you know today's the Femme Commander's cotillion and she's made it mandatory that _**every**_ Autobot in Iacon attend." He said bluntly and before I knew it a grunt had escaped my vents.

"It's not really a 'dance' Yoketron, it's just an excuse for Viscera to flaunt her new commandant position in front of everyone's face and all those significantly _less fortunate_ then her." I groused and Yoketron hummed curiously.

"That's not jealousy I hear, is it?" He asked quirking an optic ridge, I scoffed internally. Viscera and I had a-none-too-pleasant history between us and truthfully I didn't believe the femme deserved the position of commander at all. Ugh…I _**was**_ jealous, but still I didn't want to get into that discussion with my father at the moment.

"No…I just hate these formal events is all. They're always so stiff, longand _**insufferably **_pretentious." I said and Yoketron seemed to buy it (though I wasn't exactly lying) He sighed.

"You're right of course, but we _all_ have to make sacrifices sometimes." He grinned slightly and rubbed my arm sympathetically. My smile returned once more, Yoketron was right, at least I wouldn't be the only one suffering at this event.

"Come now my dear, let us be on our way." He offered me his forearm. I sighed once more before hooking my arm onto Yoketron's and leaving the training room for the grand hall.

* * *

The grand hall was ubiquitously littered with small clusters of bot's conversing around the room. The lighting of was comfortable, the music was smooth and a delicious scent of ambrosia filled the evening air. We'd only been there five cycles, but already I wanted to rip my optics out of their sockets. Though the atmosphere seemed inviting, I really couldn't help the overwhelming instinct to just turn tail and run.

Everywhere we passed high society bots were prattling on nonsensically about their estates, turbo fox hunting, vintage energon, or something else utterly ridiculous. Primus, I couldn't stand the high society lifestyle! We were at war and the only thing most of these bots cared about was the status quo of the bot next to them. Pfft…and they have the nerve to call themselves 'Autobot's, and the high council member's…they were no better. Chattering on mainly about how much more taxes should be increased upon Iaconian citizen's…the snobs.

"Father, how much longer do we have to be here? If I listen to any more of this high society drivel I think I'm gonna be sick." I said rubbing my foreplate which was actually starting to ache.

"Peace, sweetspark. We'll only be here until Viscera shows and make's her announcement. It won't be long." Yoketron reassured me caressing my arm still wrapped around his. But I could only groan; sticking around to hear Viscera's 'announcement' wasn't exactly a comforting thought.

"Yoketron? Master Yoketron, Is that you?" A familiar voice piped above all the blather. Turning around, it was Alpha Trion, a member of the high council and, surprisingly, also one of my father's friend's.

Yoketron immediately extended his hand to him.

"It is good to see you again old friend." Yoketron said with fervor. Councilor Trion grinned in turn and vigorously shook my father's hand.

"Indeed, indeed, it is good to see you as well Yoketron. And as always…" He paused turning to me and took my hand, "you've surpass the hierarchy by possessing the most _beautiful_ escort Cybertron could offer." He crooned and a smile formed under his beard. I couldn't help but giggle at Councilor Trion's old charm.

"Thank you sir, it's nice to see you again too."

"I hope you've been keeping your father out of trouble?"

"I try, but he continues to make it a challenge for me." I said receiving a wry snort from Yoketron, Councilor Trion just chuckled.

"As all parents are wont to do my dear." He smiled patting my hand before turning his attention back to Yoketron.

"How have you been my friend?" The councilor asked.

"I've been well, although I'm sure it's nothing compared to the lap of luxury you sit in everyday." And they both chuckled at the statement. I sensed a private conversation coming on between the old companions and excused myself thusly. Finding my way over to a serving table I grabbed a cube of energon and took a sip.

There were a lot of things about these prudish bot's that irritated me to no end, but at the very least…their energon was good.

I took a longer sip enjoying the crisp sweetness and bubbles. Just the slightest hint of a tingling burn at the back of my throat made it all the more pleasurable going down. Another sip…exquisite. But I would never let these "low-lives" know just how superb their drinks really were, at least not within audio shot.

"Delicious..."

"You like it?" A deep baritone voice rumbled from behind me instantly causing my spark to stop. Once again, another seemingly harmless question managed to turn everything inside of me to goop.

There was only one mech in the universe that could possess such a ground breaking voice as that and I hadn't heard it spoken to me in almost 10 orns. It hadn't crossed my processor that said mech would even be here until now; he was the 'Prime' after all. He was strong, titanic in size, divine (supposedly) and the commander of the Autobot army. But more then any thing else, Optimus Prime was one _**devastatingly**_ beautiful mech.

I…I wasn't expecting to run into him at all; still I didn't want to be rude. I turned around to meet his gaze and two fierce cobalt orbs sat focused above his mask.

"Oh, uh …yes sir, i-it's…very good." I answered sounding completely idiotic. My hands were shaking so much I nearly dropped the cube, although he didn't seem to notice. Rounding on the table Optimus Prime picked up a cube of energon.

"Are you enjoying your self?" He asked removing his mask. _Sweet Primus_…his smile could put the brightest sun in the galaxy to shame, but it's almost always hidden behind his mask. _Ugh_, that stupid mask…I never did understand why he wore that horrid thing. Optimus Prime was far too gorgeous to cover his face up. But then his smile faded, twisting into a questionable looking frown. I was so distracted by visage I'd totally forgotten he'd asked me a question.

"Uh—yes sir very much." I said _way_ too quickly. Primus, why did I just lie? I kicked myself internally for not thinking first. Ugh, if there was an award for 'making an aft out of ones self' tonight I was definitely going to receive it. There was a pause before he spoke again.

"Oh, well…I'm glad then." He whispered taking a small sip. Suddenly he looked poignant absently sloshing his drink around. There was pause again, longer this time. I wanted to say something, but my vocalizer suddenly malfunctioned.

I looked into my cube as silence hung between us. It seemed to drag on forever growing more and more awkward by the astro-second. My spark sank. Oh no…say something, say_ something_, Primus, why can't I say _anything_?

The sudden sound of him clearing his throat caught my attention; he was looking over the room.

"It seems that I'm …_needed._" He said quietly keeping his gaze forward. I checked his field of vision and found dozen's of pairs of optics (mostly femmes) staring at him from nearly every corner of the hall. It was hard not to notice a mech of Optimus' size and splendor, but…there was no one in particular beckoning him forward. Immediately I got the distinct feeling that the '_need_ of his presence' wasn't why he was leaving.

He set his cube down on the table and replaced his mask before turning his optics onto me.

"I must be going." He left an opening, possibly expecting me to say something, but still my voice was absent.

"…good evening." He tipped his head politely (almost as an afterthought) before trotting off and melding into the crowd. Eventually, he disappeared.

Something struck hard and heavy deep within me as the sounds of the room brought me back to life. Optimus Prime he…he didn't say my name, not once. He spoke as if I was just another society bot to be amused. He…he didn't remember me _at all_, he didn't remember what happened…_between us_.

Looking at the expensive energon now only made my tank churn in revile. Placing the cube down, I looked for a safe haven away from this crowd and even further away from Optimus Prime. The large window near the exit seemed to call me and so I went, seating my self upon the seal.

I looked out into Iacon's night sky. It was beautiful. Both moons at their zenith shared the radiance of silver light with every Cybertronian across the planet. But my optics fell to my feet. *Sigh…* It _was_ beautiful, just as the night I'd shared with Optimus Prime was 10 orns ago. I know it's foolish to feel down being that we were only mere adolescences then. No real clue as to what we were doing.

*Sigh…* it was so long ago, yet still that one precious moment in time I could never forget, but obviously…Optimus had. Perhaps it's for the better that I forget as well, but in truth…I don't think I can.

"You weren't trying to _leave_ before I've made my announcement now were you, _Elita One_?" A repulsively familiar voice jolted me out of my state of despair. For the third time tonight a simple benign question made everything inside me completely disintegrate. Only this time there was no pleasantry in the bot who'd said it.

It was her, _Viscera_, with that voice of acid and ice that sent piercing red barbs through my veins every time she spoke. Good Primus, _her_ voice above all other's I hated hearing my name being formed in the utmost. It was always wicked, _filthy_ and it made my skin crawl every time.

I wanted to remain ignorant of her presence since _she_ was the soul and odious reason I was even here to begin with. Ugh…but if I did do that I'd be spending the next few nights in the brig for blatantly disregarding my commanding officer…Yoketron wouldn't be happy about that.

…_Slag_…

I swallowed my pride (or most of it) and looked up to acknowledge my red and black clad "commander".

"No, _Viscera_. Even if I wanted to leave I couldn't and you know it." I grumbled folding my arms. She chuckled darkly moving a bit closer.

"True, my being _Femme Commander_ and all does entail that all femme's to do _precisely_ as I say…" she smirked moving ever closer with each word. I froze completely as her lips came right beside my audio, "no matter how _**degrading**_ it may be." She whispered cynically sending an arctic chill up my spinal relay.

I hated how disgusting she made me feel.

She moved back slowly, standing straight as her clawed fingers found their way underneath my chin. Still in shock from the previous molestation I couldn't move as she violated me again pulling my face upward, and a wicked smirk decorating her face.

"You should relax a little more Elita One, all this stress from _groveling_ at _my_ vapor trails is making your optics dim prematurely…" she moved in closer almost touching my nose, "and they're _**much**_ too beautiful to be washed-out so soon." She hissed impiously, her breath wafting over my face.

Oh Primus…I think I'm going to throw up.

"Viscera, the night is waning." Councilor Xenon's deadpan voice suddenly beamed from beside Viscera. Snorting agitatedly, she relinquished her hold on me and stepped back.

"Looks like it's time for me to make _that_ announcement," she griped and followed as Councilor Xenon started to walk away.

"It's been wonderful talking to you again, _Elita One_…chow." She smirked and waved mockingly before trotting off.

With Viscera out of sight I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding all this time.

I'd always been weary of Viscera's intentions toward the Autobot cause ever since she joined the ranks at 15 orns. Everyone, even Decepticons, had their reasons for wanting to fight, but hers was unknown. The aura she kept about her was unsettling to say the least; even with the Autobot insignia printed on her chest I didn't fully trust her.

She was a malicious femme, doing whatever it took to come out on top, and she wasn't above betraying her own teammates when we trained together as cadets. She shouldn't have been commander. She had no morality whatsoever, but still for some reason the high council chose her. That position, that chance to raise an army into greatness and lead them to victory over the Decepticon menace should've belonged to me….it's _**not**_ fair.

All at once I felt like running again, but still I couldn't leave. Instead I looked over the mass of bot's for Yoketron's helm. I could always find comfort in my father's embrace no matter what and it didn't take long to spot him either. Within a few moments of maneuvering the crowd, I found myself beside my father clinging to his spindly form.

"Ah, there you are my dear," He piped wrapping his arms around me, pulling me closer to his warmth, "I've been wondering where you ran off too." He smiled kissing my temple, (apparently he missed me too) I clung to him tighter.

"Father…_please, _take me home…I want to go _home_." I pled desperately optics threatening to tear as I buried my face in his neck.

"Elita? What's—" A loud repetitious clanging cut him off and resonated through the room, all chattering ceased.

"Everyone please, may I have your attention." Councilor Xenon announced (somehow) in his monotonous voice from the platform at the front of the room, "If I may, I'd like to thank you all for being here to attend this cotillion at the behest of our great and beautiful Femme Commander…Viscera." I wasn't looking but I'm certain Viscera had joined Xenon on stage as I heard heavy foot falls echo.

The room went up with applause and for once I wished the noise wouldn't stop, if it did Viscera would start speaking in that horrendous tank wrenching voice of hers. But, to my great dismay, the noise died down.

"Good evening Autobot's, and thank you all again for being here at my _humblest_ request. I _wholly_ believe that by bringing our bot's together from inside and outside the foundation not only up hold's morality in our ranks, but our integrity as well." More applause filled the room but just as quickly died down again.

"As Femme Commander I _promise_ to do my very best to uphold the regality that makes this army strong." She boasted even further and I clung to my father tighter, her voice scraped my audios like nails against a chalkboard. That should be _me_ up there saying that.

"To command an army is no easy feat, although it may appear that way as I have all my servants—I mean _soldiers_ do the hard work for me." She taunted and the room burst into raucous laughter at the offending joke. This was shear torture.

"Father, can we go…_please_?" I pled desperately again into his neck.

"It'll be over soon dearest, I promise." Yoketron whispered soothingly rubbing my back. My body trembled; I didn't know how much more of this I could take.

"But enough about that, I'd like to get to the spark of why I'm making this announcement tonight." The room quieted again.

"As you may already know as I am Femme Commander, there are certain…_duties_ that must be fulfilled." A pause in her speech, something was…off. I'm not certain if anyone else noticed it but the tone in Viscera's voice had changed, and for the first time I peeked at the platform and saw Viscera wasn't only sharing the stage with Councilor Xenon but also…with Optimus Prime as well. Then, upon closer inspection, I noticed she was (_gasp!_)…she was…_holding his hand__?_

"And that grandest duty is why tonight, in the presence of every Autobot here, I'd like to announce the official launch of the courtship between Optimus Prime and myself." The room went up again in monstrous cheers, but somehow I couldn't hear it. All I could hear was my spark was pounding.

My body felt numb. A mistake, it _had_ to be a mistake, those _vile_ words she spilled couldn't have been true. She…was courting Optimus Prime?

"No…no, it's not true…"

I couldn't feel my hands. I'd lost my grip sliding helplessly to the floor.

"What? Elita?—_Elita_!" My father's voice faded with every word and slowly, everything began to fade.

Slowly, the sounds disappeared

Slowly…. the lights went dim.

_Slooowly_….my spark began to calm

_Slooooowly_…..I fell into blackness.

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**lol Why do I abuse Elita so much? I dunno...stay tuned ;)**


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